Tuesday - Day 2

Today was good. Not great, but it was alright.
I have a killer headache and my stomach won't shutup. The first 3-4 days are the hardest though so I'm halfway through the barrier!


I HATE not having scales. It's doing my head in!

Monday - Day 1

Well Monday was a success! I told my best friend/desk buddy at work that I'm liquid fasting for "health reasons" and it ends up she wants to do it too which is BRILLIANT. She bought this weird coco stuff that you add to water (it's 38 cals a spoonful - woo!) and you're meant to drink it half an hour before meals. We obviously just drank it for the meal but holy mother fucking shit I was so full after I finished it. I seriously recommend buying it if you're thinking of doing a liquid fast!
The downside is that my scales are fucked. I got on this morning and it said 99 FUCKING KILOS oh gosh I almost died from a heart attack. Luckily my mother told me they say the same for her (she's thinner than me!) so I'll have to buy more asap.
Hope everyone's well! :)

Attempt number 2

I'm going to do the liquid diet again starting Monday.
Got new inspirations and some one to try for now :) Fingers crossed!

Smile!

I am in the best mood. We got the house! Which means I will be out of home in 3 weeks :D
It's not going to be as easy as I thought this whole restricting to the max/avoiding most foods thing. Since I'm moving out with my best friend she watches every single thing I do. Sigh. Oh well. I'll work it out.


Does anyone know where to find good thinspo? I need new motivation.

Fuckity fuck

Okay I so did not want to post about this because it will give the impression I'm *that* kind of girl but I need to get it off my chest.


So there's this guy. And he's fucking brilliant. Seriously, he's just the best person ever.




Yuck.


So anyway. I passed out at work the other day so I had to stop the liquid fast.
Everyone was so worried, I felt really bad. 
I could feel myself getting weak and dizzy but I am the most stubborn person ever so I kept refusing to eat.
I lost 7kgs all in all which would be awesome but I've put 3 back on since then.
You win some you lose some I guess!


I need to lose so much more. I don't want to gross this guy out.

Nomnomnom

Well the liquid fast is going great so far.
Almost had a weak moment today but then I was on google and found this awesome website that KILLED my hunger like no tomorrow.
It's called "This Is Why You're Fat" and I don't know about you, but I am a girl that looooves reverse thinspo. 
Looking at perfectly thin bodies makes me realise what I don't have and that leaves me depressed and angry at myself. Looking at chocolate covered bacon (which just seems like madness to me?!) and insanely obese people gets me motivated which leads me to be up and moving! As soon as I looked at those pictures I poured out my soup and went back to my desk quite content with my efforts.

Scat

When I was put into recovery in 2008 I thought it was for the best.

I gained a whopping 16 kgs and even though I was back to being chubby, I was happy.

Now - I'm fucking miserable. Over the past 4 months I've started looking at photos from my nights out and realising what a fat cow I've turned into. Now I'm back to excessively exercising again. Restricting my calories. Going on PT to talk to people about it and get me motivated. Snorting whip to supress my appetite before work so I don't find myself going on a fucking rampage eating everything in sight.

Man I feel powerful. I missed that high that you get from not eating for 3 days straight. The feeling that I'm smarter because no one around me suspects a thing. It's fucking brilliant.

Godskitchen was amazing. I was off my tree when we got in there and it only got better throughout the night. We had coke, acid, MDMA, and some biks. I refused to be in any photos. I wanted to enjoy the night - not remember how hideous I am to look at. My best friend T told me before we walked in that I looked like I had lost a bit of weight. I simply scoffed at her and said "yeah right!" secretly high fiving myself on the inside. But a bit of weight isn't enough. I want people to see me and be shocked.  

I haven't eaten since Friday and boy do I feel faint. It's nice though. Let's just hope I don't pass out at work.

Sippin' on gin and juice ;)

I've started my juice fast today.
The main reasons being:
1) I'm home alone today - perfect way to start.
2) I'm not going to T's until about 8 - can say I've already had dinner.
3) I'll be off my face after 8 and I'm never hungry when I'm on pills.
4) Tomorrow I'll be so scattered the mere thought of eating will make me power vomit on anyone that's in my way.
5) I always find that the first 2 days are the hardest, so by Monday when I'm at work *fingers crossed* it will be easy peasy.


I was so white yesterday I was basically transparent so I bathed in about 2 bottles of fake tan last night. Thankfully I didn't turn out orange but now I've realised I don't have matching foundation...oops. 
<3

Best news EVER

My best friend and her boyfriend have just asked me to move out with them!!
I'm so excited. Finally some freedom! No pressure to eat. No one watching every step I take. No one judging me every time I skip a meal. 
I've gone from semi depressed to over the moon. What a fantastic start to the weekend!

What gives?!

I've been in such a foul mood for the past 3 days. I just can't shake the feeling.
I've been on a raging binge and purge cycle and it's starting to wear me out. As sick as it sounds I used to love the feeling of eating what I wanted then purging, counting the calories I may have thrown up, then feeling nice and empty again. Now I sob for half an hour and do the same fucking thing.
I really really didn't want to bring up my ED in this blog but fuck it. It's part of who I am.
When my mum found out she flipped her shit. She said I was doing it for attention and that it was "lucky she caught me early on, as the effects weren't showing yet."
Oh yes. That's what she said.
Anyway, I don't want to rant I'm just trying to be in a better mood.

I've got Godskitchen tomorrow which is going to be amazing. I don't usually like that kind of music but any excuse to be off my face it alright with me ;) T's got some green clovers and coke left over so the night should be very very interesting!


Ahh to be young.

I'm hating today.

Power vomit

I'm so hungover that anything I type won't make sense so instead I'll just post pictures to summerise my weekend.

FRIDAY - Bought a new camera (yipee!)

SATURDAY DAY - Cousin R's 3rd birthday (so cute!)

SATURDAY NIGHT -  I refuse to put the images I did capture on the internet. Ick.

SUNDAY- Which brings us to now. I plan on napping in the sun with my Samson for the rest of the day :)

I hope everyone else enjoyed their weekend! :)