Spare a penny for a poor man?

My friends, how poor I am right now.
On the bright side we've paid rent, bills, did the grocery shopping and I paid my phone bill too.
Now I have until next Wednesday to survive on $12 ha. 
Oh and I bought a gram of speed. Yep. I did. And let me tell you I haven't eaten in 2 and a half days and I feel so fucking good. I did 1 and half hours on the treadmill last night sweating up a storm and I still feel amazing like I could do it again (which I will!) tonight.

I'm really hating being at the house at the moment. My best friends boyfriend is becoming more and more of a looney. Last night I was in my bedroom when I hear him losing his shit about the fucking can opener being in the wrong draw. Uhh? 
This sounds horrible but sometimes I wish they'd break up so he'd move out. I like him and all but he just stresses me and T out so much. If ever we're in a bad mood it's because of him.
Thank fuck he's going away for 2 weeks over christmas. It might make us appreciate him a little more when he returns!




I've also started applying for new jobs. Just reception ones in the city - nothing too fancy! I'm just sick of the call centre. There's only so much you can take there answering the same questions every day and having people screaming at you for the same reason. So stupid. I won't go into it because it'll just make me angry haha!


Hope all is well and everyone is staying strong! Let me know how you're going.
Hugs xo

That kind of fucked up shit.

I've got this little problem going on in my life at the moment.
There's this guy at work who is really lovely and kind of cute (I laughed as I typed that - how immature of me!) and he's funny too HOWEVER he is the clingiest guy I have ever met.
He told me he liked me last night and I just said "you're retarded!" and laughed it off which made today super awkward and oh my goodness my head is spinning because I know he's liked me for a while and I'm stuck in this rut because I tried liking him back because he's just so nice and I know he would be the greatest boyfriend ever but the thing is everytime I try to get into him I just don't feel anything (No time for full stops! Too much to type!)
Anyway, the point of the post is he text me about an hour ago telling me he has an eating disorder which has literally just blown my mind. He says it's not ana or mia but something to do with his mind I don't know I'm not thinking clearly and I'm sure this makes no sense but I just needed to BLURT IT OUT TO THE WORLD! I'm quite angry actually because I'm the first one he's told which means he needs me for support but how do I do that IF I CANT EVEN GET THROUGH THIS MYSELF?! He doesn't know about my darling habits but I'm starting to wonder if he got the vibe and that's why he told me...
Any advise would be greatly appreciated. And heck, if you read through this entire post give yourself a high five and a pat on the back.



I've missed reading about you guys and I really really hope you're all doing well.
Lots of hugs and kisses and positive happy thoughts and rainbows and high fives coming your way! xoxox

Back

This time for good.


Moving out was not what I expected. I fucking love it all the same.
The only thing I'm hating is how lazy i've become and how much my housemates watch what I eat.
It's fucked.


Anyway, I'm back and I've missed you all and I will be commenting to you all asap!!

MIA?

Sorry again for the absense...moving is a pain!
We get the keys and are allowed to officially move in on Saturday HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY! I'm so excited.
We're having a mexican themed house warming that sort of celebrates my birthday too on the 4th of December so I want to look AMAZING for that!!
How is everyone going? I promise I will comment to you guys asap.

(I want to look like her!!)

Oops

Sorry for the absence my darlings.
No real reason for it. I got to day 4 of liquid diet and BINGED LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER.
I did lose 2 kgs but only just.

I really feel like I'm stuck in a rut at the moment. Like I'm just floating through the motions. It's fucked. I know what people mean now when they say they're not living, only existing.

Tuesday - Day 2

Today was good. Not great, but it was alright.
I have a killer headache and my stomach won't shutup. The first 3-4 days are the hardest though so I'm halfway through the barrier!


I HATE not having scales. It's doing my head in!

Monday - Day 1

Well Monday was a success! I told my best friend/desk buddy at work that I'm liquid fasting for "health reasons" and it ends up she wants to do it too which is BRILLIANT. She bought this weird coco stuff that you add to water (it's 38 cals a spoonful - woo!) and you're meant to drink it half an hour before meals. We obviously just drank it for the meal but holy mother fucking shit I was so full after I finished it. I seriously recommend buying it if you're thinking of doing a liquid fast!
The downside is that my scales are fucked. I got on this morning and it said 99 FUCKING KILOS oh gosh I almost died from a heart attack. Luckily my mother told me they say the same for her (she's thinner than me!) so I'll have to buy more asap.
Hope everyone's well! :)

Attempt number 2

I'm going to do the liquid diet again starting Monday.
Got new inspirations and some one to try for now :) Fingers crossed!

Smile!

I am in the best mood. We got the house! Which means I will be out of home in 3 weeks :D
It's not going to be as easy as I thought this whole restricting to the max/avoiding most foods thing. Since I'm moving out with my best friend she watches every single thing I do. Sigh. Oh well. I'll work it out.


Does anyone know where to find good thinspo? I need new motivation.

Fuckity fuck

Okay I so did not want to post about this because it will give the impression I'm *that* kind of girl but I need to get it off my chest.


So there's this guy. And he's fucking brilliant. Seriously, he's just the best person ever.




Yuck.


So anyway. I passed out at work the other day so I had to stop the liquid fast.
Everyone was so worried, I felt really bad. 
I could feel myself getting weak and dizzy but I am the most stubborn person ever so I kept refusing to eat.
I lost 7kgs all in all which would be awesome but I've put 3 back on since then.
You win some you lose some I guess!


I need to lose so much more. I don't want to gross this guy out.

Nomnomnom

Well the liquid fast is going great so far.
Almost had a weak moment today but then I was on google and found this awesome website that KILLED my hunger like no tomorrow.
It's called "This Is Why You're Fat" and I don't know about you, but I am a girl that looooves reverse thinspo. 
Looking at perfectly thin bodies makes me realise what I don't have and that leaves me depressed and angry at myself. Looking at chocolate covered bacon (which just seems like madness to me?!) and insanely obese people gets me motivated which leads me to be up and moving! As soon as I looked at those pictures I poured out my soup and went back to my desk quite content with my efforts.

Scat

When I was put into recovery in 2008 I thought it was for the best.

I gained a whopping 16 kgs and even though I was back to being chubby, I was happy.

Now - I'm fucking miserable. Over the past 4 months I've started looking at photos from my nights out and realising what a fat cow I've turned into. Now I'm back to excessively exercising again. Restricting my calories. Going on PT to talk to people about it and get me motivated. Snorting whip to supress my appetite before work so I don't find myself going on a fucking rampage eating everything in sight.

Man I feel powerful. I missed that high that you get from not eating for 3 days straight. The feeling that I'm smarter because no one around me suspects a thing. It's fucking brilliant.

Godskitchen was amazing. I was off my tree when we got in there and it only got better throughout the night. We had coke, acid, MDMA, and some biks. I refused to be in any photos. I wanted to enjoy the night - not remember how hideous I am to look at. My best friend T told me before we walked in that I looked like I had lost a bit of weight. I simply scoffed at her and said "yeah right!" secretly high fiving myself on the inside. But a bit of weight isn't enough. I want people to see me and be shocked.  

I haven't eaten since Friday and boy do I feel faint. It's nice though. Let's just hope I don't pass out at work.

Sippin' on gin and juice ;)

I've started my juice fast today.
The main reasons being:
1) I'm home alone today - perfect way to start.
2) I'm not going to T's until about 8 - can say I've already had dinner.
3) I'll be off my face after 8 and I'm never hungry when I'm on pills.
4) Tomorrow I'll be so scattered the mere thought of eating will make me power vomit on anyone that's in my way.
5) I always find that the first 2 days are the hardest, so by Monday when I'm at work *fingers crossed* it will be easy peasy.


I was so white yesterday I was basically transparent so I bathed in about 2 bottles of fake tan last night. Thankfully I didn't turn out orange but now I've realised I don't have matching foundation...oops. 
<3

Best news EVER

My best friend and her boyfriend have just asked me to move out with them!!
I'm so excited. Finally some freedom! No pressure to eat. No one watching every step I take. No one judging me every time I skip a meal. 
I've gone from semi depressed to over the moon. What a fantastic start to the weekend!

What gives?!

I've been in such a foul mood for the past 3 days. I just can't shake the feeling.
I've been on a raging binge and purge cycle and it's starting to wear me out. As sick as it sounds I used to love the feeling of eating what I wanted then purging, counting the calories I may have thrown up, then feeling nice and empty again. Now I sob for half an hour and do the same fucking thing.
I really really didn't want to bring up my ED in this blog but fuck it. It's part of who I am.
When my mum found out she flipped her shit. She said I was doing it for attention and that it was "lucky she caught me early on, as the effects weren't showing yet."
Oh yes. That's what she said.
Anyway, I don't want to rant I'm just trying to be in a better mood.

I've got Godskitchen tomorrow which is going to be amazing. I don't usually like that kind of music but any excuse to be off my face it alright with me ;) T's got some green clovers and coke left over so the night should be very very interesting!


Ahh to be young.

I'm hating today.

Power vomit

I'm so hungover that anything I type won't make sense so instead I'll just post pictures to summerise my weekend.

FRIDAY - Bought a new camera (yipee!)

SATURDAY DAY - Cousin R's 3rd birthday (so cute!)

SATURDAY NIGHT -  I refuse to put the images I did capture on the internet. Ick.

SUNDAY- Which brings us to now. I plan on napping in the sun with my Samson for the rest of the day :)

I hope everyone else enjoyed their weekend! :)

Burning rubber

There seems to be a weird taboo amongst females when it comes to buying condoms. Girls desperately hide their prophylactics between their broccoli and tea bags, in hopes that the checkout person won't notice. In reality, the pimply dude on the register probably wouldn't even give a fuck if you were buying an ironically-named family-size box of condoms, lube, enemas and four giant cucumbers. He just wants you to go away so he can stealthily check Facebook on his mobile under the counter while the supervisor is in the deli section.

And really, what's there to be ashamed about? If I see someone buying condoms, I want to give them a massive high five and congratulate them because they're about to get laid. And extra kudos for practicing safe sex.

(L)(L)

I'm babysitting my darling K today.
She's my baby cousin but everyone in my family calls her my baby because she looks like me as a kid - only difference is she has blonde hair!
My little K is 16 months old and seriously the cheekiest kid I've ever met. She may look as cute as a button but she's  serious trouble. Her two volumes are loud and really loud. She loves climbing on anything and everything. She also has this killer laugh that just sounds full of mischief. I love it!

So far we've danced around the house to The Weepies, played on the swings, looked at pictures of puppies on the internet and read this sweet little book I bought her called "If you're afraid of the dark, remember the night rainbow." It's seriously so cute. We've read it 4 times and it's only just gone 11am.
Now I sit here with my cup of tea and laptop as my beloved watches some animated spanish girl try and find the "magical river."
What a relaxing start to the weekend :)
Happy Saturday everyone! xo

Let's start at the beginning

I'm an 18 year old girl who is a lover of music, painting, lemons and all things pinup.
I live in Melbourne, drive a shitty ford, speak terrible french, suffer from bulimia and claustrophobia, hug strangers, always dress for good news and I could probably talk until your ears bleed.