Scat

When I was put into recovery in 2008 I thought it was for the best.

I gained a whopping 16 kgs and even though I was back to being chubby, I was happy.

Now - I'm fucking miserable. Over the past 4 months I've started looking at photos from my nights out and realising what a fat cow I've turned into. Now I'm back to excessively exercising again. Restricting my calories. Going on PT to talk to people about it and get me motivated. Snorting whip to supress my appetite before work so I don't find myself going on a fucking rampage eating everything in sight.

Man I feel powerful. I missed that high that you get from not eating for 3 days straight. The feeling that I'm smarter because no one around me suspects a thing. It's fucking brilliant.

Godskitchen was amazing. I was off my tree when we got in there and it only got better throughout the night. We had coke, acid, MDMA, and some biks. I refused to be in any photos. I wanted to enjoy the night - not remember how hideous I am to look at. My best friend T told me before we walked in that I looked like I had lost a bit of weight. I simply scoffed at her and said "yeah right!" secretly high fiving myself on the inside. But a bit of weight isn't enough. I want people to see me and be shocked.  

I haven't eaten since Friday and boy do I feel faint. It's nice though. Let's just hope I don't pass out at work.